why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
