This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
We have started to decorate penises.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
