Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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