you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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