Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
