I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
