OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
