She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
