Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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