Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
