i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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