I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
