yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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