Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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