my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
