Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
