shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Can I color on your dick again?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
i now understand why vodka
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
