I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
