Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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