I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
