I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
