You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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