I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
