Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
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