i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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