Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
