I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Randomize
