I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
