you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
