Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
