we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
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