This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I AM VODKA MAN
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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