I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
