i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
