Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
