I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
