please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
