when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Randomize
