I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Someone shattered a urinal.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I'm both gender and math confused
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
