Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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