Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
