Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Randomize
