Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
