She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
