how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
