Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Randomize
