I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
