I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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