I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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