not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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