mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
