porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
