It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
